Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
