i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am one with the molecules
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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