Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
