You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
