John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
