My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
