I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
