she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
