my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
