I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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