i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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