Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
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