U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
