Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
