all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
