U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
