I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
