"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
