i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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