the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Be still, my beating vagina.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
