Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
