Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
