I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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