I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
