I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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