im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
