If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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