dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
