How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize