someone threw a dead crab at me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
