She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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