Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize