just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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