I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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