I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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