Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
