They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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