I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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