Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize