the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
