mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize