don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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