I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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