So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
