he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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