If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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