hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
