I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
this hospital has no fireball
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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