explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize