I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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