God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just want nice things and good sex
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
