btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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