Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize