saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
