I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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