I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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