bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
