Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
