even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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