I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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