I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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