Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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