I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize