What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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