yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize