Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
